weirdos ..

Why is it when I specifically ask that no idiot is within a five kilometre radius from me .. that I am stuck with them in an elevator?

Do I have to wear a sign: warning: keep away: have a tendency to explode when confronted by morons sign on me 24/7?

Take today for instance. I venture out of my cave after I monitor the skies and see a lull in its diarrhea. Snow flakes were in the air. Paper bags and leaves flying. Stealing a window of opportunity, as the sun made its way from behind the treacherous clouds, I don my boots and jacket and venture outdoors to carry out some urgent business. Armed with my sun glasses, I go to the bank and rush back, thanking the Almighty for the extra padding I have around my bulk which had stopped the gale from picking me up and dropping me off somewhere near Eskimoland.

And then comes the moronic moment..

I enter the building and eye the elevator. As I step in, I see a woman in a Hijab rushing in. I smile and hold the door for her. She smiles back, showing me her five front teeth. Five, for fuck's sake. Five! That should have given me a signal and I should have rushed out of the elevator and taken the stairs. But no.. I still had some decency in me. Some people just never learn their lesson.

In Arabic, I ask her which floor? I should have taken off my boots there and then and sniffed on my soaking wet socks and smothered myself to death before even venturing there. Moments of silence ensued. The cat has eaten her tongue, leaving her teeth in disarray. Another show of teeth, while I wait. She presses 11. I give her a glare. Then I reconsider. Maybe she isn't Arab. Why should I assume she is just because she has a garbage bag on her head? She could be Iranian or Kurdish, Afghani or Talibani. She could even be an impostor or a transvestite, a he-she or suffering from dementia and out in her Halloween costume at the end of November.

Hours of silence later I reach my floor. As I was stepping out of the elevator, she ventures in Arabic: Are you Arab?

Duh? I look back. If I wasn't Arab, would I be this angry? Would I have torn and shredded you to bits for your stupidity and lack of social skills? I held the door for you, you cow. I asked you which floor as if I was employed by the building as a bellboy .. and I even questioned myself and burned a few precious brain cells thinking if I had done wrong by addressing you in Arabic.

I look back. Another show of five teeth. Oh please. Spare me!

"No. I am Israeli," I reply!

Now .. that should teach her not to accept rides from strangers in elevators!